Do you think ALL adoptee’s feel the SAME about their adoption in terms of loss?
No doubt there is an initial loss of being separated from the natural family. But do you expect that all adoptee’s are going to feel the same level of loss?
What about those who are raised without secrets and lies or in open adoption? Is it possible for some to have a healthier outlook on their adoption than others? By “healthier” I mean more positive outlook and self-esteem and at peace with their adoption circumstances. I agree that it’s not healthy to “stuff” feelings. But is it assumed that adoptee’s who claim to be “not bitter” do that?
Transracialeyes 
I’m going to answer your question, but maybe from a more literal stand-point…
– First, I think loss is loss is loss.
– Second, I think you can weight the losses. For example, losing a mom is HUGE, no matter what your age or circumstance, on a visceral level
– Third, losses ADD UP.
losing faith
losing relationship
losing your country
losing your culture
losing your heritage
losing your language
losing trust
losing innocence
losing ignorance
it’s like a soup of pain: the bulk of each adoptee’s experience is loss of mother. then each soup is made unique depending on the combination of other added losses.
my best adoptee friend has all of the above. she lost her mother by death. a few years later she literally got lost. she lost her father by adoption when nobody searched for her father – even though she was 9 and knew his name – she lost her siblings – she lost her country when she was sent to America – she lost her heritage – she lost her culture – after two years, all her language was lost – it wasn’t long before her innocence was lost when her adoptive father abused her – and all this time. she was fully aware of her powerlessness because of her age. So in the end she lost all the relationships she valued, she lost faith in the charity and responsibility of adults, and she lost trust in those pledged to care for her.
We tend to focus on the main loss, but there can be so many. This is why I call myself an adoption survivor. Because for me and many of my fellow adoptees, we shoulder so many losses on top of the main loss.
How can you measure something like that? I’d like to measure it in dollars and sue the adoption agencies. I’m hoping someone with a water tight case can and does.
As for your additional details.
I personally have a great deal of empathy for the “not bitter” adoptees, though I do wish they wouldn’t protest so much and see me and my experience as the enemy. Just like them, I don’t want to be pitied – I just want to see change for the better, and that requires some sympathy. Two different animals entirely.
Regarding those so-called “kool-aid” adoptees, I feel for them. When you’ve got everything as good as it gets, then whatever feelings you have about losing your mother become incredibly treacherous waters to navigate. When you’ve got no other additional losses that can share some of the heat, then you’ve very little allowance to complain. The margin for even the smallest expressions of pain becomes extremely prohibitive. That’s a tight-rope I wouldn’t want to walk, and a much more difficult position from which to discern one’s deepest feelings. Some may call this denial. I call this an ineffective way of dealing with the core issues.
I’d also like to add that a “healthier outlook on their adoption” and positive outlook and self esteem are not the same thing. I can have a positive outlook and very high self esteem and still have a negative outlook on adoption. Maybe instead of “healthier outlook on their adoption” you meant “more socially acceptable outlook on adoption” ? Other than that, it’s just common sense that those who have been treated with more equality and given the truth won’t have to add injustice at the hands of their parents onto their loss will have less of a burden to carry.
We all experience loss and struggle with it in our own ways, due to our infinitely varied circumstances. We all do the best that we can because we have no choice. Peace does come through acceptance of our adoption circumstance. However, some things no human should be asked to be at peace with: like violations of our civil rights, exploitation, abuse, etc. And as long as adoption is involuntary, as long as there is exploitation, as long as there are violations of our civil rights and the obliteration of our identities, then we should not rest.
Because no child should have to experience even one added loss on top of losing their mother, and no child should lose their mother just to fill the arms of another, which happens far more than anyone cares to admit. These losses are preventable. Prevent, and we don’t have to ask these questions.
Girl4708 answered this question pretty much completely, but I’d like to pick up on one of her thoughts: How do you measure loss? How do you quantify the physical or mental manifestations that can be tied to such loss? How do we know if we are able to recognize in ourselves whether such-and-such is tied to the loss we experienced/continue to experience?
I ask this question because many people I know here in Lebanon are falling ill or passing away. They are mid-way between my generation and that previous; they are the ones who lived the civil war and stayed in the country despite the exflux of their countrymen and women.
Many of my friends are spending much of their time at funerals, or sitting bedside for friends now dealing with terminal cancers and the like.
If I got into an argument along the lines of this question—whether I believe the Civil War is the reason for their falling ill or passing away—how silly would that sound?
The question is premised to find those who don’t agree in an effort to discount the very thought itself. I imagine I could find statistical evidence to back up my thesis that the stress of this place is killing people, but do I really need it? Can we have a discussion of loss without “rational proof” thereof?