The land of should-have-been and is.

Something Daniel said recently, as a comment on the post, “How white are you?”  made me think:

And then, sometimes, it is just really, really devastatingly difficult to live on this razor’s edge.

Once again, leave it to Daniel to leave me haunted with his sublime and beautiful way of looking at our situation.  I am dumbstruck.

Another razor’s edge for me is right-livelihood as an adoptee means envisioning a future without relinquishment, which is disturbingly informed by my imagined should-have-been life, which interferes with my desire to be/live in the present.

How do my fellow aware transracial adoptees balance on this thin, sharp blade?  Practically, philosophically, spiritually, relationally?

One thought on “The land of should-have-been and is.

  1. I wrote that upon returning from the week traveling to the States because my adoptive father had passed away, may God rest his soul. There would be too much to talk about to really explain, but suffice it to say that the week and the return were full of reminders, excrutiatingly painful reminders, of this “non-state” existence of living between worlds without ability to navigate either.

    Practically it becomes harder, because I am realizing more and more the rejection of my adoptive culture. I can’t bear to pass through immigration or customs anymore; I can’t imagine what is being said to me said to someone who desperately wants to be in the U.S. What a horrible misuse of power! So offensive, but eye-opening all the same. I can’t bear the news, I can’t bear not being able to voice my opinion as I (ironically) can in this part of the world.

    Philosophically I find myself drawn to (and accepted wholesale by) similarly displaced/dispossessed peoples and groups. This opens up interesting and re-awakened frameworks of Third World activisms from the past, which is equally exciting and devastating. Sometimes I think it is forcing me to choose between worlds/classes….

    Spiritually I find refuge in my faith, but even here my inability to navigate what should be known to me and would have been known to me had I grown up here—how to pray, how to speak the language of the Qur’an, how to approach holidays (family/community time) with anticipation and not dread.

    Relationally….I wish I had my life to live over, here. Things would be completely different.

Adoptees, what do you think? We welcome your replies!

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